and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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