I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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