don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
