i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize