it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
