Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize