She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
