So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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