Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
