what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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