I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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