i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
