I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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