So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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