you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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