this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
