We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
