First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
