I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You ruined the universe
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
