If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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