I think my vagina is haunted
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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