Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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