i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
