He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
