this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
