You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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