On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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