i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
