You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
