Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
