He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
