I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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