Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
