I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
