why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
