We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
