your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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