Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
