Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she peed on how many people?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
