im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
