WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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