I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize