the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Let's paint friendship bongs
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
