I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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