and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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