Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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