R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
