You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
