I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
