If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
