I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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