Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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