this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Randomize
