I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
40s are totally the cure
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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