Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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