It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
