I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
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