The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
