I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
