This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
