Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
