Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
